"You are right that they would and will struggle to understand and accept. They only know that when they have been touched that way, it has hurt them and they cannot help but grieve your pain. That is the curse of being loved. Your curse, for being loved means you must consider them when you use yourself as a tool. All things you are well aware of, I know." He's working up to his point, as he often does, but he's careful to keep his voice neutral, to not seem like he's trying to influence her any one way. If only he could stop his own bitter sorrow from seeping through, but he has no defense against that from Valdis.
"When you touch Max, does the thought of what I have done to him cross your mind?"
Whereas he feels bitter sorrow over her words, she feels tired, emotionally spent from the fire that had burned in her veins only to be quenched by him and his attention.
"But in the beginning, when he related what he remembered, when I could feel that he didn't know what actual love was...In that, I am far more blessed than you. I had someone before Max who showed me what it was, so it was easier to remember, to become gentle, to allow him room to grow and overcome...to be his Malachi."
Valdis looks back up at him.
"He might have guessed at my history, but to have it laid bare before him, for him to play the part of my abuser and to touch me with disrespect...those are things that he will remember for months, if not years to come...at least I did not have to undergo such psychological torture when I relived those nightmares, I have long since accepted them."
His soul is doing the internal version of holding its breath waiting for her answer. Relief is like a cool balm over that old hurt.
"I'm confident that his imagination has already conjured up hundreds of scenes in his mind exactly like the one you played on stage, and worse, long ago. Yes, he will remember this. But I wager there is something beneficial about having it demystified for him. To know for certain is pain, but to always wonder and never know can be maddening."
He reaches gently for her hand, ready to let her pull away if she prefers. "My advice is to keep growing and overcoming with him. Talk to him, deeply, about how you feel. You have accepted your past and for that I am very glad, but to him this is new. It may be frustrating, but he needs your guidance to see what you see and feel what you feel."
It might take time, but Erik has faith in their beloved Max, that he can overcome the specter of Fenrir's actions. That one day he would be able to answer "not anymore" just the same as she.
"I think you are right that he will never feel comfortable being violent to you, but I also think that was already true. If you are not compatible in that one way, would it truly be so bad to continue an arrangement like this, where you seek that missing piece outside of him? At first, it might make him sad that he cannot provide, but there are ways to frame it that remove the sting. I can explain it to him if you'd rather?"
She feels the relief in him, can sense the continued pain he feels over his actions. The words he speaks are wise and she knows there is healing to be done for them both. Her and Max.
Valdis tips her head at his offer, not moving away from his touch, considering it, but uncertain if that’s what she truly wants. In that moment she had needed it, to have control taken away on her own terms with the knowledge she could take it back the moment she wanted to. To be exhausted and have the monster removed in an act of love and violence. It’s twisted and strange and something she would not have resorted to, even if she had enjoyed it. And even if he didn’t say it, she knows he did too.
“I don’t think that’s the only relationship you want with me.”
It’s not what she meant to say, but she knows it to be true, because she can feel how conflicted she is to simply use him in that way. It was good, and gratifying, and she wouldn’t refuse if he wanted to do it again, but it’s not the only thing.
Maybe she’s simply exhausted and not thinking straight.
Erik would say yes to another round instantly. He cannot deny that using his full strength on her, being as brutal as he is capable without worry or fear, was exhilarating, satisfying... maybe even something he needed just as much as she did. If it's only ever this once, it will still be a deeply satiating memory to him for a long time.
He startles when she says that, at first opening his mouth to deny it but... he can't. When he searches his feelings, he finds a field of them has started to bloom around her place in his heart. "No, it isn't. I like you, Valdis. I enjoy our discussions and I appreciate that they are rarely shallow."
He pauses to look into her face, as if trying to read her the way she can read him. "What kind of relationship do you want with me?"
Valdis didn’t need him to confirm his feelings, she’s known they existed for a time, though subtle, but she’s glad he didn’t try to deny it. As he searches her face though, he won’t find much to give away her feelings, mostly because she doesn’t quite know herself.
“I don’t know.” She replies. “But I knew even in the depths of my hysteria that I could rely on you to help me. That’s got to mean something.”
She trusted him enough to invite that brutality, to enjoy it, to hold onto the power she had over him and allow him power over her. That’s not trust easily or readily given, but she’s not sure how she knew she could give it.
“I wish it were easy to explain, but I don’t want to use you just to satiate the monster, even if you are satisfied with just that. I don’t think it’s fair to you.”
"I hope that it means you trust me," he answers softly, as if afraid of stepping too hard on thin ice. "And that it means I've changed enough to deserve that trust."
Perhaps it is the nature of what they are that makes it so difficult to read their own feelings. But he knows, instinctively, that he would not choose to betray her. It was for Max's sake alone, once, but now the thought of pushing her away with his actions springs forth a more personal grief. He would miss her company for its own sake.
"I don't think I would be quite content with only that, either. Friendship, after all, is a multifaceted gem."
She'll feel the fluttering of anxiety go still in him when she does not reject his suggestion of friendship. Has it only been a year? Yet, somehow here they are.
"My experience onboard was, unfortunately, limited." That's a nice way of putting it when what he really means was it was a hellish three or so weeks of repeated agony, necessary or not.
"What part of what I don't know has crossed your mind now, if I may?"
Even if everything had started as getting along for Max's sake, nothing said they couldn't become friends, especially when he has done everything within his power to change and grow as a person. She would be more of a hypocrite than normal if she refused to accept that.
"You saw my life in three acts, except...one of those acts wasn't about me."
Since she has flopped back down, he decides to get a little mor comfortable himself, settling his back against the sturdy headboard and bringing his legs up onto the bed, over the covers, not beneath.
"When you say it was not about you, how metaphorical do you mean that?"
Valdis turns her head to look at him, rolling the information over in her head.
“Tiamat is a primordial goddess of Destruction. Based on what I can infer, it seems that she and the original Angel of Death, Muriel, were lovers. Muriel betrayed her and scattered her shards across the universe. Except for her heart. He kept that piece of her.”
It seems so terrible for her to have been betrayed like that, for a brief moment, Valdis can even feel sorry for her.
“Fenrir did not choose me as his queen as random. I was the only one who could be queen, and the only one Tiamat could manifest within. I don’t know if that was only by design or out of a desire for revenge on Muriel.”
She paused to give him time to digest and ask any questions that may help her gather her thoughts in a useful direction.
"Are you telling me that you share your heart with this primordial goddess Tiamat?"
Well. That explains Aster's interest perfectly. Petty as it may be, it also makes him feel just a little better about how much Valdis scares him, even now. Her power is immense. Is this why?
"Does it cause you pain?" He can't begin to imagine what it must feel like to exist in such a precarious state. Well... actually, maybe he can. A little. Perhaps the beast that stalks him as it does all vampires isn't so different.
Another question quickly rises when that last little bit finally filters through to him. "Currently? Is there a risk of that seal being broken?"
He reaches to pat her leg out of an unconscious need for connection as they speak on such intimate things. He can tell this is difficult for her to tell him, even if he's not sure of the full context yet. Even this much is enough to raise the protective hackles in him.
"What happened, Valdis? On that ship? Who tried to imprison you?"
"And that animal part drives a hunger in you for violence? Am I understanding right?" There's no judgement behind the question, but he is curious if that hunger is something she needs to feed routinely, and what that could mean for them all after today.
"Maxwell," his nose wrinkles a little because that name is so similar to their Max's but nothing else about him seems at all the same. "Is he a fool with more power than sense? I fail to see how he thought he could trust a goddess of destruction. I'm far more enraged that he thought your soul was his to bargain with." She could order him to go find that man right now and snap his neck and a part of him is sure he would do it.
"I take it he did succeed in releasing her. What became of you when that happened?"
The corner of her mouth twitches as she resists a tired smile at the emotions he's feeling. Perhaps she shouldn't be surprised he caught feelings, maybe she wouldn't be surprised if she develops some in return.
"I'm afraid I don't know the answer to either question. The former seems to become restless when I commit violence for the sake of violence...the consumption of the heart of a demon prince likely didn't help either. As for the latter, I didn't even realize anything happened on the Eterna until I spoke to Mortanne. It was like I went to sleep and never woke up until she called me. I learned later that Tiamat almost destroyed the Eterna and it was the Captain who switched us right before Mortanne called me here."
What happened after on the Entera she only knows from those who arrived here from after her time on the ship.
"Perhaps that violence calls to her, brings her closer to the surface." Again he cannot help but draw a parallel there to himself and the way the beast inside always lifts its nose at the scent of blood.
"I'm sorry. It must be distressing to know that a part of your recent existence has been kept from you"--again--"Would you rather I ask Max for the details?"
"That you, yourself, cannot say is equally as troubling." How does one form an identity around a core one cannot decipher? Perhaps that is the problem.
"I wish there could be a way to promise you it won't happen again, but we know such promises are fairy tales. You made a good choice today, regardless of what Max, Fever, or any of the others might say. I can't swear to protect you from powers greater than us both, but I will promise that I won't prey on your weakness like Aster would. Should you find yourself in need again, I can guarantee you that."
As for asking Max or Fever about that lost history, his tone softens to reassure her. "They are protective of you, so I would expect nothing less. I can wait to ask. It will keep. I'm more concerned with what you need in the present."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lordoftheozarks) wrote2023-06-13 08:20 pm
Re: CW: continues
"When you touch Max, does the thought of what I have done to him cross your mind?"
Re: CW: continues
Whereas he feels bitter sorrow over her words, she feels tired, emotionally spent from the fire that had burned in her veins only to be quenched by him and his attention.
"But in the beginning, when he related what he remembered, when I could feel that he didn't know what actual love was...In that, I am far more blessed than you. I had someone before Max who showed me what it was, so it was easier to remember, to become gentle, to allow him room to grow and overcome...to be his Malachi."
Valdis looks back up at him.
"He might have guessed at my history, but to have it laid bare before him, for him to play the part of my abuser and to touch me with disrespect...those are things that he will remember for months, if not years to come...at least I did not have to undergo such psychological torture when I relived those nightmares, I have long since accepted them."
Re: CW: continues
"I'm confident that his imagination has already conjured up hundreds of scenes in his mind exactly like the one you played on stage, and worse, long ago. Yes, he will remember this. But I wager there is something beneficial about having it demystified for him. To know for certain is pain, but to always wonder and never know can be maddening."
He reaches gently for her hand, ready to let her pull away if she prefers. "My advice is to keep growing and overcoming with him. Talk to him, deeply, about how you feel. You have accepted your past and for that I am very glad, but to him this is new. It may be frustrating, but he needs your guidance to see what you see and feel what you feel."
It might take time, but Erik has faith in their beloved Max, that he can overcome the specter of Fenrir's actions. That one day he would be able to answer "not anymore" just the same as she.
"I think you are right that he will never feel comfortable being violent to you, but I also think that was already true. If you are not compatible in that one way, would it truly be so bad to continue an arrangement like this, where you seek that missing piece outside of him? At first, it might make him sad that he cannot provide, but there are ways to frame it that remove the sting. I can explain it to him if you'd rather?"
Re: CW: continues
Valdis tips her head at his offer, not moving away from his touch, considering it, but uncertain if that’s what she truly wants. In that moment she had needed it, to have control taken away on her own terms with the knowledge she could take it back the moment she wanted to. To be exhausted and have the monster removed in an act of love and violence. It’s twisted and strange and something she would not have resorted to, even if she had enjoyed it. And even if he didn’t say it, she knows he did too.
“I don’t think that’s the only relationship you want with me.”
It’s not what she meant to say, but she knows it to be true, because she can feel how conflicted she is to simply use him in that way. It was good, and gratifying, and she wouldn’t refuse if he wanted to do it again, but it’s not the only thing.
Maybe she’s simply exhausted and not thinking straight.
Re: CW: continues
He startles when she says that, at first opening his mouth to deny it but... he can't. When he searches his feelings, he finds a field of them has started to bloom around her place in his heart. "No, it isn't. I like you, Valdis. I enjoy our discussions and I appreciate that they are rarely shallow."
He pauses to look into her face, as if trying to read her the way she can read him. "What kind of relationship do you want with me?"
Re: CW: continues
“I don’t know.” She replies. “But I knew even in the depths of my hysteria that I could rely on you to help me. That’s got to mean something.”
She trusted him enough to invite that brutality, to enjoy it, to hold onto the power she had over him and allow him power over her. That’s not trust easily or readily given, but she’s not sure how she knew she could give it.
“I wish it were easy to explain, but I don’t want to use you just to satiate the monster, even if you are satisfied with just that. I don’t think it’s fair to you.”
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Perhaps it is the nature of what they are that makes it so difficult to read their own feelings. But he knows, instinctively, that he would not choose to betray her. It was for Max's sake alone, once, but now the thought of pushing her away with his actions springs forth a more personal grief. He would miss her company for its own sake.
"I don't think I would be quite content with only that, either. Friendship, after all, is a multifaceted gem."
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Valdis flops back down onto the pillows, wincing as she does so, some things still hurt, though none of them were inflicted by him.
"Sometimes I forget you were not with us on the Eterna, and how much you don't know."
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"My experience onboard was, unfortunately, limited." That's a nice way of putting it when what he really means was it was a hellish three or so weeks of repeated agony, necessary or not.
"What part of what I don't know has crossed your mind now, if I may?"
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"You saw my life in three acts, except...one of those acts wasn't about me."
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"When you say it was not about you, how metaphorical do you mean that?"
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Now that her mind is no longer clouded, she's able to try to put together the pieces. Much of it is guessing, but almost as much isn't.
"It's...complicated, but I'll do my best to make it make sense."
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"I will do my best to listen closely and only interrupt when necessary for my understanding."
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“Tiamat is a primordial goddess of Destruction. Based on what I can infer, it seems that she and the original Angel of Death, Muriel, were lovers. Muriel betrayed her and scattered her shards across the universe. Except for her heart. He kept that piece of her.”
It seems so terrible for her to have been betrayed like that, for a brief moment, Valdis can even feel sorry for her.
“Fenrir did not choose me as his queen as random. I was the only one who could be queen, and the only one Tiamat could manifest within. I don’t know if that was only by design or out of a desire for revenge on Muriel.”
She paused to give him time to digest and ask any questions that may help her gather her thoughts in a useful direction.
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Well. That explains Aster's interest perfectly. Petty as it may be, it also makes him feel just a little better about how much Valdis scares him, even now. Her power is immense. Is this why?
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She pauses and her voice drops.
“At most my soul is clinging to a heart that doesn’t belong to it.”
And she’s not certain how stable a connection like that could ever be.
“Either way, she and I are both here, though she is currently sealed by dark magic.”
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Another question quickly rises when that last little bit finally filters through to him. "Currently? Is there a risk of that seal being broken?"
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“Sometimes, but the Void mostly keeps to itself these days. Earlier was an exception.”
Valdis watches him in silence for a moment after his second question, uncertain whether to answer with the truth or to deflect.
“I don’t know. The seal was originally meant to imprison me, not her. The Captain forced us to switch places and she has been quiet since.”
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He reaches to pat her leg out of an unconscious need for connection as they speak on such intimate things. He can tell this is difficult for her to tell him, even if he's not sure of the full context yet. Even this much is enough to raise the protective hackles in him.
"What happened, Valdis? On that ship? Who tried to imprison you?"
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Valdis doesn't shy away from his touch, nor from the sudden anger in him.
"His name was Maxwell, he made a deal with Tiamat to release her in exchange for my soul, he didn't realize that she would betray him."
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"Maxwell," his nose wrinkles a little because that name is so similar to their Max's but nothing else about him seems at all the same. "Is he a fool with more power than sense? I fail to see how he thought he could trust a goddess of destruction. I'm far more enraged that he thought your soul was his to bargain with." She could order him to go find that man right now and snap his neck and a part of him is sure he would do it.
"I take it he did succeed in releasing her. What became of you when that happened?"
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"I'm afraid I don't know the answer to either question. The former seems to become restless when I commit violence for the sake of violence...the consumption of the heart of a demon prince likely didn't help either. As for the latter, I didn't even realize anything happened on the Eterna until I spoke to Mortanne. It was like I went to sleep and never woke up until she called me. I learned later that Tiamat almost destroyed the Eterna and it was the Captain who switched us right before Mortanne called me here."
What happened after on the Entera she only knows from those who arrived here from after her time on the ship.
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"I'm sorry. It must be distressing to know that a part of your recent existence has been kept from you"--again--"Would you rather I ask Max for the details?"
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Her gaze flits away from him again.
“I am quite tired of being yanked around by beings more powerful than myself.”
It was why she had been so tempted by Aster and why she probably will be until she devours his heart too.
“You can ask Max, or Fever. I trust them to be truthful, though they are likely going to be protective of such things.”
Especially after what Efrain did to them.
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"I wish there could be a way to promise you it won't happen again, but we know such promises are fairy tales. You made a good choice today, regardless of what Max, Fever, or any of the others might say. I can't swear to protect you from powers greater than us both, but I will promise that I won't prey on your weakness like Aster would. Should you find yourself in need again, I can guarantee you that."
As for asking Max or Fever about that lost history, his tone softens to reassure her. "They are protective of you, so I would expect nothing less. I can wait to ask. It will keep. I'm more concerned with what you need in the present."
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