"Intellectually, I know you do." But that fidgeting is telling to a man who has made a career out of reading people.
"I have lived an extended life, so to speak. I have walked the earth for over a thousand years. I know the pain of longing for things you thought could never be. But, the thing you must be wary of when going from famine to feast, Tarantulas, is that it can be very dangerous for one's health to take in too much too quickly. Maddening as it may feel, you have to take this slowly. For her sake and your own. I need to you to show me you know that in your heart as well as your head."
Less time than he had hoped, but it would be madness to turn even a drop of sympathy away.
"I realize that." He chews the inside of his cheek for a moment before admitting, "But it's not impossible -- no, I should be honest with you. It's very likely that I may need help...demonstrating that principle to you. And discerning where the appropriate boundaries lie."
His gaze slides away from Erik yet again. "I am...so much older than you realize. My life has been measured not in hundreds or thousands of years, but millions. And I spent more than half that time alone. So, you see..." He inhales deeply, bracing himself. "I would rather cut off my own legs than purposely do anything to hurt River. But good intentions will not keep me from hurting her by accident."
"I will try to be your ally in that, so long as you are making the effort." These words will prove to be... prophetic.
He can't quite hide the shocked lift of his thin eyebrows when Tarantulas lays out the truth of his longevity. Millions? Alone? How is he not insane? (What a great question.)
"That is an astonishingly long time. Is that common for your species?" He desperately needs some context on this issue.
"Regardless, I do believe you that you do not want to hurt River. Accidents happen; I am not unaware of that. I have made terrible mistakes with the best of intentions myself. But I am expecting you to try."
"Common? Oh no. Not at all." Tarantulas titters quietly, covering his mouth with the back of one hand. "My species is highly social. The longevity is normal, however. We don't usually age like other species do."
Part of him wonders what he's doing, exposing so much of himself to Erik. This isn't like Neil, who is bound by his professional ethics, or Vika, whose antipathy towards humanity makes her unlikely to ever organize against him. Erik has power over him, that he could use for good or ill.
...But he's been very good to Tarantulas, very good. It would be all too easy to grow addicted to that goodness -- indeed, Tarantulas feels it may already be too late. Perhaps this already counts as drug-seeking behavior.
"Actually," he says slowly, "I used to be just as mechanical as that sweet little ambulance who works at the largest clinic in town. You might even say we come from different versions of the same world." He smiles slightly. "This...organic body is a recent development. I only just started experimenting in changing my nature some ten thousand years ago."
"I'm very sorry that you suffered such isolation." That goes a long way to explaining why, even at their first meeting, he felt such deep longing in the man. Who wouldn't be desperate to feel any kind of connection after that?
"Really? I'm familiar with First Aid, yes, but I don't think I would have guessed you came from similar places on my own. That's remarkable. I don't think the world I hail from yet has the kind of technology it must take to make such a transformation. I... hope it isn't rude to ask if this is what you would consider your finished form?"
"I've been keeping the secret rather close to my chest," Tarantulas acknowledges. Can Erik see the way he immediately relaxes once an opportunity to change the subject comes up? "So far only Doctor West and Vika have been told. I'd appreciate it if you kept it a secret as well, of course -- I have no direct quarrel with First Aid or any other Autobots, but that doesn't mean I want them prodding at me."
He smiles slightly. "This is my second organic body. The first was -- oh, part of a series of experiments in comparative biology. I wanted to see if I could combine the strengths of organic and mechanical forms, and eliminate their weaknesses." He isn't being entirely honest with you, Erik. "This body, however, was designed for all of you. When I was told I'd be working with humans and other organics if I chose to come here, I didn't to make anyone...prohibitively uncomfortable. So I made myself smaller, softer. With a human face. It's been interesting, observing how people react to me now. But to answer your question, no. I anticipate redesigning and reinventing myself many more times in the future, once I have the tools to do so."
"You can rely on my discretion." He means that very seriously.
The smile is nice to see. It's reassuring. Clearly, Tarantulas is proud of how he's explored his own form. There might have been a time when Erik didn't understand it as well, but speaking to Chris at length about their own journey to create a body that fits their desired self, he can look at these things in a very new and positive light.
"Those legs of yours do hold an allure I will freely admit. That, and I like to see you smile." He glances around as if he's checking to see if anyone is listening. His voice lowers conspiratorially. "It is also very nice not to be the shortest person at all times any longer."
Tarantulas giggles, the sound oddly open and free compared to his normal manic tittering. He stretches two of his legs out, the little claws on their tips resting gently on Erik's shoulder and his arm. "Can you imagine me at seven feet tall, like First Aid? I'd never get anything done."
Height is all well and good, but not when it interferes with his work.
But then he glances back at his lap, and after a moment murmurs, "But I know I...rather fell short of the mark, if I didn't want to appear monstrous to humans. It seemed unfair that I should be asked to give up everything I loved about myself, after all...but I'm sure it must have been strange to River, to dream of being in love with someone of her own kind and wake up to...this..."
"You'd be too busy fighting off half the town trying to bed you. Believe me, I would know all about these townfolk's dark fantasies." Erik says with a bright laugh of his own... and just a touch of smug beneath that.
"I would be just as unwilling were I in your shoes. It's only natural you should want to look like yourself. I hope it hasn't caused you too much trouble here. As for River, I do not think such things matter as much to her as the underlying personality of her lovers. She wouldn't have rejected you for that."
"Mm, well. The bookseller, Gerry, was a little rude to me the first time I entered his shop -- but I like to think we've come to a better understanding since then." He throws Erik a look that can't decide whether it wants to be secretive and smug, or anxious and uncertain. Being vulnerable with people is terrible, actually; why does anyone do it?
But he manages to smile slightly at Erik's reassurance. "It was the same for that other version of me. It was strange for him, at first, learning how to live with someone whose head isn't attached to their shoulders...but she was so kind to him. So eager to help, even when his fears made it hard for her...And he was afraid of so many things," Tarantulas notes, still exasperated with his other self.
"Gerry was rather prickly to me upon first meeting, too, but he's since warmed up." Now they talk about fashion while Gerry tries to contain how sexy he finds Erik. It's fun.
Erik notes that exasperation. "Think of the insight you have gained now, having lived that life and felt those things. You can still find meaning in those moments. Even if they were only a dream, the experience was real."
"Just so," Tarantulas agrees quickly -- too quickly, and he seems to realize it. After a moment, he asks, "I wonder...did the circumstances of your life in the dream have any parallels with your true history? Events that weren't exactly the same, but seemed to resonant with things you'd experienced before? It was so for me," he adds; he doesn't expect Erik to bare his past to him without reciprocation.
"Hm," Erik says, contemplating that question before answering. "It was and was not. I was an orphan just as I was in life but, in the dream, I was adopted by a loving family and raised with care. That is quite the opposite of what truly happened to me. It felt like a fulfillment of a deeply held wish." One he didn't realize he had until now.
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lordoftheozarks) wrote2023-06-13 08:20 pm
no subject
"I have lived an extended life, so to speak. I have walked the earth for over a thousand years. I know the pain of longing for things you thought could never be. But, the thing you must be wary of when going from famine to feast, Tarantulas, is that it can be very dangerous for one's health to take in too much too quickly. Maddening as it may feel, you have to take this slowly. For her sake and your own. I need to you to show me you know that in your heart as well as your head."
no subject
"I realize that." He chews the inside of his cheek for a moment before admitting, "But it's not impossible -- no, I should be honest with you. It's very likely that I may need help...demonstrating that principle to you. And discerning where the appropriate boundaries lie."
His gaze slides away from Erik yet again. "I am...so much older than you realize. My life has been measured not in hundreds or thousands of years, but millions. And I spent more than half that time alone. So, you see..." He inhales deeply, bracing himself. "I would rather cut off my own legs than purposely do anything to hurt River. But good intentions will not keep me from hurting her by accident."
no subject
He can't quite hide the shocked lift of his thin eyebrows when Tarantulas lays out the truth of his longevity. Millions? Alone? How is he not insane? (What a great question.)
"That is an astonishingly long time. Is that common for your species?" He desperately needs some context on this issue.
"Regardless, I do believe you that you do not want to hurt River. Accidents happen; I am not unaware of that. I have made terrible mistakes with the best of intentions myself. But I am expecting you to try."
no subject
Part of him wonders what he's doing, exposing so much of himself to Erik. This isn't like Neil, who is bound by his professional ethics, or Vika, whose antipathy towards humanity makes her unlikely to ever organize against him. Erik has power over him, that he could use for good or ill.
...But he's been very good to Tarantulas, very good. It would be all too easy to grow addicted to that goodness -- indeed, Tarantulas feels it may already be too late. Perhaps this already counts as drug-seeking behavior.
"Actually," he says slowly, "I used to be just as mechanical as that sweet little ambulance who works at the largest clinic in town. You might even say we come from different versions of the same world." He smiles slightly. "This...organic body is a recent development. I only just started experimenting in changing my nature some ten thousand years ago."
no subject
"Really? I'm familiar with First Aid, yes, but I don't think I would have guessed you came from similar places on my own. That's remarkable. I don't think the world I hail from yet has the kind of technology it must take to make such a transformation. I... hope it isn't rude to ask if this is what you would consider your finished form?"
no subject
He smiles slightly. "This is my second organic body. The first was -- oh, part of a series of experiments in comparative biology. I wanted to see if I could combine the strengths of organic and mechanical forms, and eliminate their weaknesses." He isn't being entirely honest with you, Erik. "This body, however, was designed for all of you. When I was told I'd be working with humans and other organics if I chose to come here, I didn't to make anyone...prohibitively uncomfortable. So I made myself smaller, softer. With a human face. It's been interesting, observing how people react to me now. But to answer your question, no. I anticipate redesigning and reinventing myself many more times in the future, once I have the tools to do so."
no subject
The smile is nice to see. It's reassuring. Clearly, Tarantulas is proud of how he's explored his own form. There might have been a time when Erik didn't understand it as well, but speaking to Chris at length about their own journey to create a body that fits their desired self, he can look at these things in a very new and positive light.
"Those legs of yours do hold an allure I will freely admit. That, and I like to see you smile." He glances around as if he's checking to see if anyone is listening. His voice lowers conspiratorially. "It is also very nice not to be the shortest person at all times any longer."
no subject
Height is all well and good, but not when it interferes with his work.
But then he glances back at his lap, and after a moment murmurs, "But I know I...rather fell short of the mark, if I didn't want to appear monstrous to humans. It seemed unfair that I should be asked to give up everything I loved about myself, after all...but I'm sure it must have been strange to River, to dream of being in love with someone of her own kind and wake up to...this..."
no subject
"I would be just as unwilling were I in your shoes. It's only natural you should want to look like yourself. I hope it hasn't caused you too much trouble here. As for River, I do not think such things matter as much to her as the underlying personality of her lovers. She wouldn't have rejected you for that."
no subject
But he manages to smile slightly at Erik's reassurance. "It was the same for that other version of me. It was strange for him, at first, learning how to live with someone whose head isn't attached to their shoulders...but she was so kind to him. So eager to help, even when his fears made it hard for her...And he was afraid of so many things," Tarantulas notes, still exasperated with his other self.
no subject
Erik notes that exasperation. "Think of the insight you have gained now, having lived that life and felt those things. You can still find meaning in those moments. Even if they were only a dream, the experience was real."
no subject
no subject