"Oh no," Tarantulas says quickly. "Don't trouble yourself. I made the appointment, after all." He set the terms of this meeting; it would be unfair to renege on them now.
"I remember you," he says quietly. "My daughter would play with you sometimes..." He shakes slightly for a moment before visibly steeling himself to continue. "In the dream, I was one of the local species; an elf named Taran Thule. I had a wife of fourteen years, Amy -- but in this reality, her name is River la Croix. Obviously we aren't married, but..."
Can Erik see the envy in those ancient yellow eyes?
"...She wanted me to speak to you. To ask your permission, before she would consider...continuing our association."
"Thank you." He's less miffed now. Time is time even if they don't spend it fucking.
"Your daughter... Dawn?" His eyes are wide. Yes, he does remember now. It's vague in the way that many childhood memories become but, that doesn't really matter when he also has River's explanation fresh in his memory.
"River didn't tell me it was fourteen years, but she did tell me she was married to two others with a daughter."
He does notice that envy. It worries him.
"It will not trouble me if you choose to court her, so long as you do so with the proper awareness that she is not that same woman. And, she is not only yours."
"I know that!" Tarantulas insists. His voice cracks; he closes his eyes, taking a deep, steadying breath. "I do know that. She isn't Amy, any more than Taran Thule was me. But those lives rhymed with ours, don't you agree? Like warped mirrors, they reflected us. And I --" His voice cracks again. He clenches his teeth together, struggling with it, before he admits, "I need her. I don't care if I have to share her with others, I need the things she made me feel. You can't understand how much I need it."
"I like your passion," Erik says soothingly. "And, yes, in some ways they did. That dream gave me things I'd once wished desperately for. Remembering them now, knowing they never were... it's painful in a way few understand."
He locked eyes with Tarantulas now. "But, I do understand. I do."
Tarantulas flinches back, shying away from the directness of Erik's gaze. "I was alone for so long," he says quietly. "Not just alienated from society, but completely alone. And only now do I realize just how much I'd forgotten about being loved."
His gaze darts toward Erik and then skitters away again. "I don't want to take her from you. Perhaps we might even come to an arrangement, you and I. To make sure she's taken care of properly."
More softly. "She deserves to be well taken care of, doesn't she?"
"I'm sorry that you had to know such loneliness. I suppose it's safe to say I sensed that in you the first time we met. Like called to like." Erik may not have been strictly alone for all his time, but he was deeply betrayed by the last two people he had left in his life, his sister and his lover. When he fled them, it was into the cold arms of a world where no one gave him a second glance. Until he made them.
"I don't mean to keep you from her, either. But, she is a capable woman, fiercely independent, as you must know. I would rather say that she wants to be cared for more than she wants to be taken care of."
"Perhaps we have separate definitions of the term." But Tarantulas smiles slightly, his guard lowering by a tiny fraction. "But I'm glad we understand each other at least this far. The salient point is that...River should be happy. We both want that for her."
"Perhaps we do." Erik has been known to split hairs. So much of vampire politics revolves around creative use of language. But, yes, he does think they both get the general idea.
"You're right. We want happiness for her and ideally with her. That being the case, I have no objections at all." He cracks a friendly smile. "We will simply have to become good at organizing our social calendars, won't we?"
Well, that's. That's settled then, isn't it? It went so smoothly that Tarantulas is having a little trouble believing it, although he covers his uncertainty with a small, guarded smile.
"Thank you," he says breathlessly. And agrees, "Yes, we will. Ah..."
It occurs to him that he's still paid for a little more of Erik's time.
"Will you tell me about her?" he asks. "Not -- not anything too personal, I don't expect you to break any confidences. But it isn't lost on me that in reality, I barely know River. The real River, not that facsimile. I'd like to know her better..."
"I wouldn't break those confidences even if you asked, of course." And not just because he knows exactly how easily he could be burned alive for that. But that's not NOT a factor.
"I'll tell you the things I see in her. The reasons why I love her in the here and now. But you'll do well to ask her for some quality time to get to know her yourself. Sit with me?" He gestures to the sofa that's large enough to seat both of them if a little snugly.
"Of course. That would be a violation of both your professional ethics and River's trust -- twice as many reasons not to tell."
"It's not as though I wouldn't like to spend time with her," he explains as he sits down, anxiously plucking at his shirt cuffs. "Of course I would. But things are...difficult, right now. She's mourning our lost child -- something that I, unfortunately, already have a great deal of practice in." His voice is low. Practice does not make the pain any lighter, it just makes it easier to pick yourself up and keep going despite it.
"I'm sorry to hear you have experience in mourning a child," he answers sincerely as he takes his seat beside Tarantulas. "I've never had to confront that particular form of life tragedy and likely never will. I understand that you are eager to get back to that closeness you felt, especially because of your shared loss, but you really must have some patience. It will take as long as it takes."
"I...do understand that. I do." Tarantulas's fingers move restlessly, twining together before separating again to pick at his hems and the coarse hairs that cover the backs of his hands. "It's just. Difficult. I've known so much deprivation in my life -- but while that dream might have lasted only a few hours, in those hours I feasted. And now I find myself in famine again."
He smiles awkwardly. "I expect many would think I sounded quite mad, saying such a thing. They wouldn't understand, not like you do. But then you've lived many times the length of a human lifespan, haven't you?"
"Intellectually, I know you do." But that fidgeting is telling to a man who has made a career out of reading people.
"I have lived an extended life, so to speak. I have walked the earth for over a thousand years. I know the pain of longing for things you thought could never be. But, the thing you must be wary of when going from famine to feast, Tarantulas, is that it can be very dangerous for one's health to take in too much too quickly. Maddening as it may feel, you have to take this slowly. For her sake and your own. I need to you to show me you know that in your heart as well as your head."
Less time than he had hoped, but it would be madness to turn even a drop of sympathy away.
"I realize that." He chews the inside of his cheek for a moment before admitting, "But it's not impossible -- no, I should be honest with you. It's very likely that I may need help...demonstrating that principle to you. And discerning where the appropriate boundaries lie."
His gaze slides away from Erik yet again. "I am...so much older than you realize. My life has been measured not in hundreds or thousands of years, but millions. And I spent more than half that time alone. So, you see..." He inhales deeply, bracing himself. "I would rather cut off my own legs than purposely do anything to hurt River. But good intentions will not keep me from hurting her by accident."
"I will try to be your ally in that, so long as you are making the effort." These words will prove to be... prophetic.
He can't quite hide the shocked lift of his thin eyebrows when Tarantulas lays out the truth of his longevity. Millions? Alone? How is he not insane? (What a great question.)
"That is an astonishingly long time. Is that common for your species?" He desperately needs some context on this issue.
"Regardless, I do believe you that you do not want to hurt River. Accidents happen; I am not unaware of that. I have made terrible mistakes with the best of intentions myself. But I am expecting you to try."
"Common? Oh no. Not at all." Tarantulas titters quietly, covering his mouth with the back of one hand. "My species is highly social. The longevity is normal, however. We don't usually age like other species do."
Part of him wonders what he's doing, exposing so much of himself to Erik. This isn't like Neil, who is bound by his professional ethics, or Vika, whose antipathy towards humanity makes her unlikely to ever organize against him. Erik has power over him, that he could use for good or ill.
...But he's been very good to Tarantulas, very good. It would be all too easy to grow addicted to that goodness -- indeed, Tarantulas feels it may already be too late. Perhaps this already counts as drug-seeking behavior.
"Actually," he says slowly, "I used to be just as mechanical as that sweet little ambulance who works at the largest clinic in town. You might even say we come from different versions of the same world." He smiles slightly. "This...organic body is a recent development. I only just started experimenting in changing my nature some ten thousand years ago."
"I'm very sorry that you suffered such isolation." That goes a long way to explaining why, even at their first meeting, he felt such deep longing in the man. Who wouldn't be desperate to feel any kind of connection after that?
"Really? I'm familiar with First Aid, yes, but I don't think I would have guessed you came from similar places on my own. That's remarkable. I don't think the world I hail from yet has the kind of technology it must take to make such a transformation. I... hope it isn't rude to ask if this is what you would consider your finished form?"
"I've been keeping the secret rather close to my chest," Tarantulas acknowledges. Can Erik see the way he immediately relaxes once an opportunity to change the subject comes up? "So far only Doctor West and Vika have been told. I'd appreciate it if you kept it a secret as well, of course -- I have no direct quarrel with First Aid or any other Autobots, but that doesn't mean I want them prodding at me."
He smiles slightly. "This is my second organic body. The first was -- oh, part of a series of experiments in comparative biology. I wanted to see if I could combine the strengths of organic and mechanical forms, and eliminate their weaknesses." He isn't being entirely honest with you, Erik. "This body, however, was designed for all of you. When I was told I'd be working with humans and other organics if I chose to come here, I didn't to make anyone...prohibitively uncomfortable. So I made myself smaller, softer. With a human face. It's been interesting, observing how people react to me now. But to answer your question, no. I anticipate redesigning and reinventing myself many more times in the future, once I have the tools to do so."
"You can rely on my discretion." He means that very seriously.
The smile is nice to see. It's reassuring. Clearly, Tarantulas is proud of how he's explored his own form. There might have been a time when Erik didn't understand it as well, but speaking to Chris at length about their own journey to create a body that fits their desired self, he can look at these things in a very new and positive light.
"Those legs of yours do hold an allure I will freely admit. That, and I like to see you smile." He glances around as if he's checking to see if anyone is listening. His voice lowers conspiratorially. "It is also very nice not to be the shortest person at all times any longer."
Tarantulas giggles, the sound oddly open and free compared to his normal manic tittering. He stretches two of his legs out, the little claws on their tips resting gently on Erik's shoulder and his arm. "Can you imagine me at seven feet tall, like First Aid? I'd never get anything done."
Height is all well and good, but not when it interferes with his work.
But then he glances back at his lap, and after a moment murmurs, "But I know I...rather fell short of the mark, if I didn't want to appear monstrous to humans. It seemed unfair that I should be asked to give up everything I loved about myself, after all...but I'm sure it must have been strange to River, to dream of being in love with someone of her own kind and wake up to...this..."
"You'd be too busy fighting off half the town trying to bed you. Believe me, I would know all about these townfolk's dark fantasies." Erik says with a bright laugh of his own... and just a touch of smug beneath that.
"I would be just as unwilling were I in your shoes. It's only natural you should want to look like yourself. I hope it hasn't caused you too much trouble here. As for River, I do not think such things matter as much to her as the underlying personality of her lovers. She wouldn't have rejected you for that."
"Mm, well. The bookseller, Gerry, was a little rude to me the first time I entered his shop -- but I like to think we've come to a better understanding since then." He throws Erik a look that can't decide whether it wants to be secretive and smug, or anxious and uncertain. Being vulnerable with people is terrible, actually; why does anyone do it?
But he manages to smile slightly at Erik's reassurance. "It was the same for that other version of me. It was strange for him, at first, learning how to live with someone whose head isn't attached to their shoulders...but she was so kind to him. So eager to help, even when his fears made it hard for her...And he was afraid of so many things," Tarantulas notes, still exasperated with his other self.
"Gerry was rather prickly to me upon first meeting, too, but he's since warmed up." Now they talk about fashion while Gerry tries to contain how sexy he finds Erik. It's fun.
Erik notes that exasperation. "Think of the insight you have gained now, having lived that life and felt those things. You can still find meaning in those moments. Even if they were only a dream, the experience was real."
"Just so," Tarantulas agrees quickly -- too quickly, and he seems to realize it. After a moment, he asks, "I wonder...did the circumstances of your life in the dream have any parallels with your true history? Events that weren't exactly the same, but seemed to resonant with things you'd experienced before? It was so for me," he adds; he doesn't expect Erik to bare his past to him without reciprocation.
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lordoftheozarks) wrote2023-06-13 08:20 pm
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"I remember you," he says quietly. "My daughter would play with you sometimes..." He shakes slightly for a moment before visibly steeling himself to continue. "In the dream, I was one of the local species; an elf named Taran Thule. I had a wife of fourteen years, Amy -- but in this reality, her name is River la Croix. Obviously we aren't married, but..."
Can Erik see the envy in those ancient yellow eyes?
"...She wanted me to speak to you. To ask your permission, before she would consider...continuing our association."
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"Your daughter... Dawn?" His eyes are wide. Yes, he does remember now. It's vague in the way that many childhood memories become but, that doesn't really matter when he also has River's explanation fresh in his memory.
"River didn't tell me it was fourteen years, but she did tell me she was married to two others with a daughter."
He does notice that envy. It worries him.
"It will not trouble me if you choose to court her, so long as you do so with the proper awareness that she is not that same woman. And, she is not only yours."
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(But you can, Erik. But you do.)
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He locked eyes with Tarantulas now. "But, I do understand. I do."
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His gaze darts toward Erik and then skitters away again. "I don't want to take her from you. Perhaps we might even come to an arrangement, you and I. To make sure she's taken care of properly."
More softly. "She deserves to be well taken care of, doesn't she?"
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"I don't mean to keep you from her, either. But, she is a capable woman, fiercely independent, as you must know. I would rather say that she wants to be cared for more than she wants to be taken care of."
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"You're right. We want happiness for her and ideally with her. That being the case, I have no objections at all." He cracks a friendly smile. "We will simply have to become good at organizing our social calendars, won't we?"
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"Thank you," he says breathlessly. And agrees, "Yes, we will. Ah..."
It occurs to him that he's still paid for a little more of Erik's time.
"Will you tell me about her?" he asks. "Not -- not anything too personal, I don't expect you to break any confidences. But it isn't lost on me that in reality, I barely know River. The real River, not that facsimile. I'd like to know her better..."
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"I'll tell you the things I see in her. The reasons why I love her in the here and now. But you'll do well to ask her for some quality time to get to know her yourself. Sit with me?" He gestures to the sofa that's large enough to seat both of them if a little snugly.
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"It's not as though I wouldn't like to spend time with her," he explains as he sits down, anxiously plucking at his shirt cuffs. "Of course I would. But things are...difficult, right now. She's mourning our lost child -- something that I, unfortunately, already have a great deal of practice in." His voice is low. Practice does not make the pain any lighter, it just makes it easier to pick yourself up and keep going despite it.
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He smiles awkwardly. "I expect many would think I sounded quite mad, saying such a thing. They wouldn't understand, not like you do. But then you've lived many times the length of a human lifespan, haven't you?"
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"I have lived an extended life, so to speak. I have walked the earth for over a thousand years. I know the pain of longing for things you thought could never be. But, the thing you must be wary of when going from famine to feast, Tarantulas, is that it can be very dangerous for one's health to take in too much too quickly. Maddening as it may feel, you have to take this slowly. For her sake and your own. I need to you to show me you know that in your heart as well as your head."
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"I realize that." He chews the inside of his cheek for a moment before admitting, "But it's not impossible -- no, I should be honest with you. It's very likely that I may need help...demonstrating that principle to you. And discerning where the appropriate boundaries lie."
His gaze slides away from Erik yet again. "I am...so much older than you realize. My life has been measured not in hundreds or thousands of years, but millions. And I spent more than half that time alone. So, you see..." He inhales deeply, bracing himself. "I would rather cut off my own legs than purposely do anything to hurt River. But good intentions will not keep me from hurting her by accident."
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He can't quite hide the shocked lift of his thin eyebrows when Tarantulas lays out the truth of his longevity. Millions? Alone? How is he not insane? (What a great question.)
"That is an astonishingly long time. Is that common for your species?" He desperately needs some context on this issue.
"Regardless, I do believe you that you do not want to hurt River. Accidents happen; I am not unaware of that. I have made terrible mistakes with the best of intentions myself. But I am expecting you to try."
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Part of him wonders what he's doing, exposing so much of himself to Erik. This isn't like Neil, who is bound by his professional ethics, or Vika, whose antipathy towards humanity makes her unlikely to ever organize against him. Erik has power over him, that he could use for good or ill.
...But he's been very good to Tarantulas, very good. It would be all too easy to grow addicted to that goodness -- indeed, Tarantulas feels it may already be too late. Perhaps this already counts as drug-seeking behavior.
"Actually," he says slowly, "I used to be just as mechanical as that sweet little ambulance who works at the largest clinic in town. You might even say we come from different versions of the same world." He smiles slightly. "This...organic body is a recent development. I only just started experimenting in changing my nature some ten thousand years ago."
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"Really? I'm familiar with First Aid, yes, but I don't think I would have guessed you came from similar places on my own. That's remarkable. I don't think the world I hail from yet has the kind of technology it must take to make such a transformation. I... hope it isn't rude to ask if this is what you would consider your finished form?"
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He smiles slightly. "This is my second organic body. The first was -- oh, part of a series of experiments in comparative biology. I wanted to see if I could combine the strengths of organic and mechanical forms, and eliminate their weaknesses." He isn't being entirely honest with you, Erik. "This body, however, was designed for all of you. When I was told I'd be working with humans and other organics if I chose to come here, I didn't to make anyone...prohibitively uncomfortable. So I made myself smaller, softer. With a human face. It's been interesting, observing how people react to me now. But to answer your question, no. I anticipate redesigning and reinventing myself many more times in the future, once I have the tools to do so."
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The smile is nice to see. It's reassuring. Clearly, Tarantulas is proud of how he's explored his own form. There might have been a time when Erik didn't understand it as well, but speaking to Chris at length about their own journey to create a body that fits their desired self, he can look at these things in a very new and positive light.
"Those legs of yours do hold an allure I will freely admit. That, and I like to see you smile." He glances around as if he's checking to see if anyone is listening. His voice lowers conspiratorially. "It is also very nice not to be the shortest person at all times any longer."
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Height is all well and good, but not when it interferes with his work.
But then he glances back at his lap, and after a moment murmurs, "But I know I...rather fell short of the mark, if I didn't want to appear monstrous to humans. It seemed unfair that I should be asked to give up everything I loved about myself, after all...but I'm sure it must have been strange to River, to dream of being in love with someone of her own kind and wake up to...this..."
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"I would be just as unwilling were I in your shoes. It's only natural you should want to look like yourself. I hope it hasn't caused you too much trouble here. As for River, I do not think such things matter as much to her as the underlying personality of her lovers. She wouldn't have rejected you for that."
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But he manages to smile slightly at Erik's reassurance. "It was the same for that other version of me. It was strange for him, at first, learning how to live with someone whose head isn't attached to their shoulders...but she was so kind to him. So eager to help, even when his fears made it hard for her...And he was afraid of so many things," Tarantulas notes, still exasperated with his other self.
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Erik notes that exasperation. "Think of the insight you have gained now, having lived that life and felt those things. You can still find meaning in those moments. Even if they were only a dream, the experience was real."
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