His words aren’t comforting, but they aren’t insulting either. Valdis knows her trauma is her own and she gets to deal with it as she sees fit.
As his shirt drops from his back, she slowly sits up, holding the sheets to her chest as if he hasn’t just seen and felt every inch of her. She traces each scar with her eyes, considering each one and the pain inflicted upon a human.
It now feels unforgivable to do such a thing to a living creature, but there was a time when she wouldn’t have cared.
Valdis knows instinctively that this is sensitive for him. That fact he’s showing her at all feels like an immense exchange of trust.
Her instincts are correct. Only a handful of people in all his long life have been invited to witness this part of him, and more than half of them have been since he came to this town. Fewer still have been invited to touch.
"You may. Carefully. ... Can you tell what they are?"
Part of her is surprised he actually gives his permission, but perhaps it's not so strange that he would want someone to see and understand what it means. She gently reaches out to him, tracing those marks with her fingers.
"I have seen them before on others, but usually not in such a number."
It's evident to her that these were from injuries received while Erik was still mortal. After all, the marks she left on him had already faded, if these were after he was turned, they would not have stayed.
Despite knowing it's coming, the touch still makes him flinch. He endures with slow, meditative breaths. If only her suspicions were true. But he's about to shatter them.
"Had I been mortal at the time, these would have killed me. I wished they could, when I received them."
He turns his head to look at her over his shoulder, "Has Max ever told you that a vampire like me is incapable of starving to death? And that the alternative is far worse?"
She feels him flinch but doesn't withdraw her touch. If she were to recoil from the scars it would only reinforce what he believes them to be. Still the realization that they were not from before he was turned does, in hindsight, make more sense. She has never seen this number on a living person. Though, like her own scar, it simply means that the damage done was too extreme for a healing factor to resolve.
Valdis continues to trace each scar, knowing that, in another life, she could have taken them from him. But she wonders if that was even something he would have wanted.
"Max and I don't talk much about vampires, but I know the only way to kill you true dead is to destroy your eyes."
Or to take his soul, but that's fairly unique to her and her alone.
He wonders it himself. What if someone here could heal them? Would he do it? So far, the answer has been no.
"Yes. Which is why I lived in irons for months. My sire did not wish to let me end myself. Even Max does not know the entire story. These..." he reaches around to touch his own scars, "...were inflicted by my sire's hand, but they were my own fault. This kind of damage is rare, and it only happens when a vampire has been starved to the point where not even their own blood can heal them. I was the one who refused to eat. My sire thought that whipping me would break my resolve. It did not. And because I would not relent any other way, my sister was made into a vampire beside me, to encourage me to choose undead life."
He lifts his gaze to meet hers from where it had drifted over his speech, "These scars are a mark of my history, but they are also my greatest shame. I think you can understand that."
Valdis knows he is offering the vulnerability in exchange for hers, an honest conversation between two people who have known the pain of immortality and the suffering that can come with it.
"Shame?"
Valdis withdraws her hand from the scars.
"I feel no shame over my scars, Erik. They are proof I survived. Proof that even those far stronger than me couldn't kill me. Perhaps they conquered me for a time, and they are a reminder of that, but they are nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, they are motivation to never allow it to happen again."
"I'm not suggesting you should feel the same way I do. But isn't that a good illustration of how varied our approaches can be?"
Now that her hand has pulled away, he tugs his shirt back up over his shoulders and turns fully toward her.
"What it seemed like to me, was that you expressed if not shame then something like it over what you needed and over not feeling shame for it. Funny where that sentiment can sneak in, isn't it? Slips through the smallest of cracks. You are free to tell me I am wrong, but that is how it looked to me."
She watches him a moment, trying to hear him instead of being offended.
"I have used my body as a weapon and a tool throughout most of my life. It wasn't until I met Max that I ever considered it as something I should care about. He doesn't see it, see me, as something to be used as a stepping stone to reach a goal. Now he has no doubts, like you, about how it was treated by men more powerful than me, in fact, part of me worries he will never be able to touch me without thinking of what Fenrir did. Max would do his best to understand why I asked you for this, he would trust us in the decisions we made, but he will never feel good about the idea of my body being touched with violence. I was not thinking of myself when I spoke those words to you, I was thinking of Max and how much this might hurt him, of Fever, of Miles...of all the people who love me and want me to value myself more."
Valdis sits back and looks away form him.
"I asked you because you are one of those people, but I also knew that you wouldn't deny me or try to convince me that this wasn't what I needed."
"You are right that they would and will struggle to understand and accept. They only know that when they have been touched that way, it has hurt them and they cannot help but grieve your pain. That is the curse of being loved. Your curse, for being loved means you must consider them when you use yourself as a tool. All things you are well aware of, I know." He's working up to his point, as he often does, but he's careful to keep his voice neutral, to not seem like he's trying to influence her any one way. If only he could stop his own bitter sorrow from seeping through, but he has no defense against that from Valdis.
"When you touch Max, does the thought of what I have done to him cross your mind?"
Whereas he feels bitter sorrow over her words, she feels tired, emotionally spent from the fire that had burned in her veins only to be quenched by him and his attention.
"But in the beginning, when he related what he remembered, when I could feel that he didn't know what actual love was...In that, I am far more blessed than you. I had someone before Max who showed me what it was, so it was easier to remember, to become gentle, to allow him room to grow and overcome...to be his Malachi."
Valdis looks back up at him.
"He might have guessed at my history, but to have it laid bare before him, for him to play the part of my abuser and to touch me with disrespect...those are things that he will remember for months, if not years to come...at least I did not have to undergo such psychological torture when I relived those nightmares, I have long since accepted them."
His soul is doing the internal version of holding its breath waiting for her answer. Relief is like a cool balm over that old hurt.
"I'm confident that his imagination has already conjured up hundreds of scenes in his mind exactly like the one you played on stage, and worse, long ago. Yes, he will remember this. But I wager there is something beneficial about having it demystified for him. To know for certain is pain, but to always wonder and never know can be maddening."
He reaches gently for her hand, ready to let her pull away if she prefers. "My advice is to keep growing and overcoming with him. Talk to him, deeply, about how you feel. You have accepted your past and for that I am very glad, but to him this is new. It may be frustrating, but he needs your guidance to see what you see and feel what you feel."
It might take time, but Erik has faith in their beloved Max, that he can overcome the specter of Fenrir's actions. That one day he would be able to answer "not anymore" just the same as she.
"I think you are right that he will never feel comfortable being violent to you, but I also think that was already true. If you are not compatible in that one way, would it truly be so bad to continue an arrangement like this, where you seek that missing piece outside of him? At first, it might make him sad that he cannot provide, but there are ways to frame it that remove the sting. I can explain it to him if you'd rather?"
She feels the relief in him, can sense the continued pain he feels over his actions. The words he speaks are wise and she knows there is healing to be done for them both. Her and Max.
Valdis tips her head at his offer, not moving away from his touch, considering it, but uncertain if that’s what she truly wants. In that moment she had needed it, to have control taken away on her own terms with the knowledge she could take it back the moment she wanted to. To be exhausted and have the monster removed in an act of love and violence. It’s twisted and strange and something she would not have resorted to, even if she had enjoyed it. And even if he didn’t say it, she knows he did too.
“I don’t think that’s the only relationship you want with me.”
It’s not what she meant to say, but she knows it to be true, because she can feel how conflicted she is to simply use him in that way. It was good, and gratifying, and she wouldn’t refuse if he wanted to do it again, but it’s not the only thing.
Maybe she’s simply exhausted and not thinking straight.
Erik would say yes to another round instantly. He cannot deny that using his full strength on her, being as brutal as he is capable without worry or fear, was exhilarating, satisfying... maybe even something he needed just as much as she did. If it's only ever this once, it will still be a deeply satiating memory to him for a long time.
He startles when she says that, at first opening his mouth to deny it but... he can't. When he searches his feelings, he finds a field of them has started to bloom around her place in his heart. "No, it isn't. I like you, Valdis. I enjoy our discussions and I appreciate that they are rarely shallow."
He pauses to look into her face, as if trying to read her the way she can read him. "What kind of relationship do you want with me?"
Valdis didn’t need him to confirm his feelings, she’s known they existed for a time, though subtle, but she’s glad he didn’t try to deny it. As he searches her face though, he won’t find much to give away her feelings, mostly because she doesn’t quite know herself.
“I don’t know.” She replies. “But I knew even in the depths of my hysteria that I could rely on you to help me. That’s got to mean something.”
She trusted him enough to invite that brutality, to enjoy it, to hold onto the power she had over him and allow him power over her. That’s not trust easily or readily given, but she’s not sure how she knew she could give it.
“I wish it were easy to explain, but I don’t want to use you just to satiate the monster, even if you are satisfied with just that. I don’t think it’s fair to you.”
"I hope that it means you trust me," he answers softly, as if afraid of stepping too hard on thin ice. "And that it means I've changed enough to deserve that trust."
Perhaps it is the nature of what they are that makes it so difficult to read their own feelings. But he knows, instinctively, that he would not choose to betray her. It was for Max's sake alone, once, but now the thought of pushing her away with his actions springs forth a more personal grief. He would miss her company for its own sake.
"I don't think I would be quite content with only that, either. Friendship, after all, is a multifaceted gem."
She'll feel the fluttering of anxiety go still in him when she does not reject his suggestion of friendship. Has it only been a year? Yet, somehow here they are.
"My experience onboard was, unfortunately, limited." That's a nice way of putting it when what he really means was it was a hellish three or so weeks of repeated agony, necessary or not.
"What part of what I don't know has crossed your mind now, if I may?"
Even if everything had started as getting along for Max's sake, nothing said they couldn't become friends, especially when he has done everything within his power to change and grow as a person. She would be more of a hypocrite than normal if she refused to accept that.
"You saw my life in three acts, except...one of those acts wasn't about me."
Since she has flopped back down, he decides to get a little mor comfortable himself, settling his back against the sturdy headboard and bringing his legs up onto the bed, over the covers, not beneath.
"When you say it was not about you, how metaphorical do you mean that?"
Valdis turns her head to look at him, rolling the information over in her head.
“Tiamat is a primordial goddess of Destruction. Based on what I can infer, it seems that she and the original Angel of Death, Muriel, were lovers. Muriel betrayed her and scattered her shards across the universe. Except for her heart. He kept that piece of her.”
It seems so terrible for her to have been betrayed like that, for a brief moment, Valdis can even feel sorry for her.
“Fenrir did not choose me as his queen as random. I was the only one who could be queen, and the only one Tiamat could manifest within. I don’t know if that was only by design or out of a desire for revenge on Muriel.”
She paused to give him time to digest and ask any questions that may help her gather her thoughts in a useful direction.
"Are you telling me that you share your heart with this primordial goddess Tiamat?"
Well. That explains Aster's interest perfectly. Petty as it may be, it also makes him feel just a little better about how much Valdis scares him, even now. Her power is immense. Is this why?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lordoftheozarks) wrote2023-06-13 08:20 pm
Cw continued
As his shirt drops from his back, she slowly sits up, holding the sheets to her chest as if he hasn’t just seen and felt every inch of her. She traces each scar with her eyes, considering each one and the pain inflicted upon a human.
It now feels unforgivable to do such a thing to a living creature, but there was a time when she wouldn’t have cared.
Valdis knows instinctively that this is sensitive for him. That fact he’s showing her at all feels like an immense exchange of trust.
“May I?”
Re: Cw continued
"You may. Carefully. ... Can you tell what they are?"
Cw continued
"I have seen them before on others, but usually not in such a number."
It's evident to her that these were from injuries received while Erik was still mortal. After all, the marks she left on him had already faded, if these were after he was turned, they would not have stayed.
Re: Cw continued + fresh suicide ideation
"Had I been mortal at the time, these would have killed me. I wished they could, when I received them."
He turns his head to look at her over his shoulder, "Has Max ever told you that a vampire like me is incapable of starving to death? And that the alternative is far worse?"
no subject
Valdis continues to trace each scar, knowing that, in another life, she could have taken them from him. But she wonders if that was even something he would have wanted.
"Max and I don't talk much about vampires, but I know the only way to kill you true dead is to destroy your eyes."
Or to take his soul, but that's fairly unique to her and her alone.
CW: continues
"Yes. Which is why I lived in irons for months. My sire did not wish to let me end myself. Even Max does not know the entire story. These..." he reaches around to touch his own scars, "...were inflicted by my sire's hand, but they were my own fault. This kind of damage is rare, and it only happens when a vampire has been starved to the point where not even their own blood can heal them. I was the one who refused to eat. My sire thought that whipping me would break my resolve. It did not. And because I would not relent any other way, my sister was made into a vampire beside me, to encourage me to choose undead life."
He lifts his gaze to meet hers from where it had drifted over his speech, "These scars are a mark of my history, but they are also my greatest shame. I think you can understand that."
CW: continues
"Shame?"
Valdis withdraws her hand from the scars.
"I feel no shame over my scars, Erik. They are proof I survived. Proof that even those far stronger than me couldn't kill me. Perhaps they conquered me for a time, and they are a reminder of that, but they are nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, they are motivation to never allow it to happen again."
Re: CW: continues
Now that her hand has pulled away, he tugs his shirt back up over his shoulders and turns fully toward her.
"What it seemed like to me, was that you expressed if not shame then something like it over what you needed and over not feeling shame for it. Funny where that sentiment can sneak in, isn't it? Slips through the smallest of cracks. You are free to tell me I am wrong, but that is how it looked to me."
Re: CW: continues
"I have used my body as a weapon and a tool throughout most of my life. It wasn't until I met Max that I ever considered it as something I should care about. He doesn't see it, see me, as something to be used as a stepping stone to reach a goal. Now he has no doubts, like you, about how it was treated by men more powerful than me, in fact, part of me worries he will never be able to touch me without thinking of what Fenrir did. Max would do his best to understand why I asked you for this, he would trust us in the decisions we made, but he will never feel good about the idea of my body being touched with violence. I was not thinking of myself when I spoke those words to you, I was thinking of Max and how much this might hurt him, of Fever, of Miles...of all the people who love me and want me to value myself more."
Valdis sits back and looks away form him.
"I asked you because you are one of those people, but I also knew that you wouldn't deny me or try to convince me that this wasn't what I needed."
Re: CW: continues
"When you touch Max, does the thought of what I have done to him cross your mind?"
Re: CW: continues
Whereas he feels bitter sorrow over her words, she feels tired, emotionally spent from the fire that had burned in her veins only to be quenched by him and his attention.
"But in the beginning, when he related what he remembered, when I could feel that he didn't know what actual love was...In that, I am far more blessed than you. I had someone before Max who showed me what it was, so it was easier to remember, to become gentle, to allow him room to grow and overcome...to be his Malachi."
Valdis looks back up at him.
"He might have guessed at my history, but to have it laid bare before him, for him to play the part of my abuser and to touch me with disrespect...those are things that he will remember for months, if not years to come...at least I did not have to undergo such psychological torture when I relived those nightmares, I have long since accepted them."
Re: CW: continues
"I'm confident that his imagination has already conjured up hundreds of scenes in his mind exactly like the one you played on stage, and worse, long ago. Yes, he will remember this. But I wager there is something beneficial about having it demystified for him. To know for certain is pain, but to always wonder and never know can be maddening."
He reaches gently for her hand, ready to let her pull away if she prefers. "My advice is to keep growing and overcoming with him. Talk to him, deeply, about how you feel. You have accepted your past and for that I am very glad, but to him this is new. It may be frustrating, but he needs your guidance to see what you see and feel what you feel."
It might take time, but Erik has faith in their beloved Max, that he can overcome the specter of Fenrir's actions. That one day he would be able to answer "not anymore" just the same as she.
"I think you are right that he will never feel comfortable being violent to you, but I also think that was already true. If you are not compatible in that one way, would it truly be so bad to continue an arrangement like this, where you seek that missing piece outside of him? At first, it might make him sad that he cannot provide, but there are ways to frame it that remove the sting. I can explain it to him if you'd rather?"
Re: CW: continues
Valdis tips her head at his offer, not moving away from his touch, considering it, but uncertain if that’s what she truly wants. In that moment she had needed it, to have control taken away on her own terms with the knowledge she could take it back the moment she wanted to. To be exhausted and have the monster removed in an act of love and violence. It’s twisted and strange and something she would not have resorted to, even if she had enjoyed it. And even if he didn’t say it, she knows he did too.
“I don’t think that’s the only relationship you want with me.”
It’s not what she meant to say, but she knows it to be true, because she can feel how conflicted she is to simply use him in that way. It was good, and gratifying, and she wouldn’t refuse if he wanted to do it again, but it’s not the only thing.
Maybe she’s simply exhausted and not thinking straight.
Re: CW: continues
He startles when she says that, at first opening his mouth to deny it but... he can't. When he searches his feelings, he finds a field of them has started to bloom around her place in his heart. "No, it isn't. I like you, Valdis. I enjoy our discussions and I appreciate that they are rarely shallow."
He pauses to look into her face, as if trying to read her the way she can read him. "What kind of relationship do you want with me?"
Re: CW: continues
“I don’t know.” She replies. “But I knew even in the depths of my hysteria that I could rely on you to help me. That’s got to mean something.”
She trusted him enough to invite that brutality, to enjoy it, to hold onto the power she had over him and allow him power over her. That’s not trust easily or readily given, but she’s not sure how she knew she could give it.
“I wish it were easy to explain, but I don’t want to use you just to satiate the monster, even if you are satisfied with just that. I don’t think it’s fair to you.”
no subject
Perhaps it is the nature of what they are that makes it so difficult to read their own feelings. But he knows, instinctively, that he would not choose to betray her. It was for Max's sake alone, once, but now the thought of pushing her away with his actions springs forth a more personal grief. He would miss her company for its own sake.
"I don't think I would be quite content with only that, either. Friendship, after all, is a multifaceted gem."
no subject
Valdis flops back down onto the pillows, wincing as she does so, some things still hurt, though none of them were inflicted by him.
"Sometimes I forget you were not with us on the Eterna, and how much you don't know."
no subject
"My experience onboard was, unfortunately, limited." That's a nice way of putting it when what he really means was it was a hellish three or so weeks of repeated agony, necessary or not.
"What part of what I don't know has crossed your mind now, if I may?"
no subject
"You saw my life in three acts, except...one of those acts wasn't about me."
no subject
"When you say it was not about you, how metaphorical do you mean that?"
no subject
Now that her mind is no longer clouded, she's able to try to put together the pieces. Much of it is guessing, but almost as much isn't.
"It's...complicated, but I'll do my best to make it make sense."
no subject
"I will do my best to listen closely and only interrupt when necessary for my understanding."
no subject
“Tiamat is a primordial goddess of Destruction. Based on what I can infer, it seems that she and the original Angel of Death, Muriel, were lovers. Muriel betrayed her and scattered her shards across the universe. Except for her heart. He kept that piece of her.”
It seems so terrible for her to have been betrayed like that, for a brief moment, Valdis can even feel sorry for her.
“Fenrir did not choose me as his queen as random. I was the only one who could be queen, and the only one Tiamat could manifest within. I don’t know if that was only by design or out of a desire for revenge on Muriel.”
She paused to give him time to digest and ask any questions that may help her gather her thoughts in a useful direction.
no subject
Well. That explains Aster's interest perfectly. Petty as it may be, it also makes him feel just a little better about how much Valdis scares him, even now. Her power is immense. Is this why?
no subject
She pauses and her voice drops.
“At most my soul is clinging to a heart that doesn’t belong to it.”
And she’s not certain how stable a connection like that could ever be.
“Either way, she and I are both here, though she is currently sealed by dark magic.”
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