César does know about loose leaf tea from a high level. But he doesn't know how many leaves to put in. And it's good to see someone actually do it from start to finish.
"The temperature matters too, right?" They're skills that César has been trying to practice more, turning skills he learned to work under Black Knight and stay alive into something to support his girlfriend and others. "It's a different temperature than green, white, or mate."
"I'm told it does, yes, but I'm still mastering that as an art. I have been told that hotter is better for black tea so I'm sure it will be close enough." He's really the wrong person to ask about these things.
"But enough about tea. We are here to discuss something more intimate than that, aren't we? Tell me where you would like to start?"
César lets the tea subject drop and considers the question. "... I'm not sure, to be honest. My experience is very limited. Two women, both cis. And not... that enjoyable after a while."
He's divorcing himself from those feelings, talking about it more seriously.
... oh, Erik's noticed. César looks down at his tea. And thinks.
"They were interested in my looks, not me. And... it just got too intense after a while. Too much movement, too many things going on. My body kept moving and doing things, but it wasn't... me? I completely disassociated."
"And you are worried that you may do likewise with Magne," Erik says not so much as a question but as an acknowledgment.
"One worry we don't have is that she only likes you for your looks. It's already more than clear that she accepts you for your whole self. So, I suppose the real issue may be getting you to accept yourself in that way as well."
César rolls that all in his head, staring at his tea.
"Magne accepts my very soul. Even deeper than we last spoke. And I accept her in the same way." He replies, then glances up, looking a bit less guarded. "... I.. used to accept myself fully, but then... I was forced to suppress my personality and whittled away myself from overwork for eight months. Magne and my friends are helping me rediscover myself, but... I want to make sure there's no unnecessary heartache when the clothes come off. For either of us."
"This is very wise of you. I don't wish to elaborate too much, but I can tell you that I have some experience with this very issue. It is a deep well you have dug for yourself, my friend. Not to worry, we'll get you out of it."
He sits back in his chair with a thoughtful hum, considering. This isn't the same as getting a vampire to accept himself as he is now, but it isn't that different, either.
"This will sound strange I'm sure, but have you grieved that loss of self? Have you properly mourned the fact that you had to change and lose those old pieces of yourself in order to survive. Because, the truth is, you aren't regaining what you've lost. You never will. You are building it back anew. I feel this will be much easier for you if you let go of the person you were, and the one you became, and instead focus on becoming the version of yourself you most want to be now. This is better than constantly feeling as if you must look backwards to compare yourself to your own history. Does that resonate with you?"
The question gets an immediate response, César sitting up straighter with wider eyes. No, he hadn't. But the skills he learned under Black Knight means he can force his mind back to listening rather than retreating within himself.
By the end, César looks mildly distraught. "I-I hadn't thought of it that way. Yes, it resonates. Maybe too much." His eyes unfocus as he recalls back to everything that's happened. "... I only survived by the smallest sliver, when I didn't expect to survive at all. It would mean mourning my entire former self, because in that framework... he died entirely. It would mean I truly lost everything that mattered."
"Yes," Erik agrees grimly. He knows this hurts. It always does. But it's necessary. Healing can't happen until Cesar has faced this brutal truth. "It does. You have, Cesar. And I am very sorry for your loss. I have been in your position. But where you are now, hanging in purgatory between that old life and your new one waiting to be seized upon is not healthy. Clinging to the past will only keep you from being able to move forward. It won't bring back what you've lost. It won't help you keep what is important to you now. Can you understand that?"
César came here as a man, not a scientist. He has a brain that can be as emotional as it is logical... when he lets it be. He's been ready for months to start mourning, but hasn't let himself. Before, there wasn't time, and now, he's been too scared to start. Talking with Neil had been the first step, and telling Magne had been the second. But now he can start to see the path he needs to walk.
If it wasn't for his girlfriend, he'd struggle with this more. But he told her he wouldn't hide anything from her anymore. And that means he can no longer hide from himself. So he opens himself up to the idea, lets it in, and somehow finds there's already room for it in his mind. The process comes as a rush, because he had already been ready, just afraid to more.
His shoulders deflate; his heavy eyelids close his eyes; his voice chokes. "Yes."
César's expression crumples as he lets the emotions hit. "It hurts. I lost everything. I was alone in the world. But I'm not... I'm not alone anymore. I'm loved again."
And that love is the source of his strength to move forward.
"I'm sorry," Erik answers, low and soothing. "The pain will always be there. But that love you feel will dull it, make it so that you can carry on without being cut by the edges every day. You will find it grows easier when shared. You are not alone. And when the time is right for you both, you will remember that. You don't have to hide yourself away from her. Just as you accept her for all that she is, so will she accept you. The trust you share is mutual and true. No matter how much this hurts now, you will be all right."
Despite the pain, despite his closed eyes, César can't help but smile. "She already has, Erik. I'm slowly telling her everything, and she's opening up to me. We're not hiding from each other anymore. We fixed that after the potluck."
César's seen the scar she thinks is ugly around her waist that signifies how she died that she's shown no one else. Magne's heard about the control collars and EVO enslavement that canceled their genocide under Black Knight's orders. He knows she's been through hell and committed crimes that put her in jail. She knows about his eccentricities and tendency to overwork.
"My heart is already fully open." Holding both love and pain simultaneously in his heart in this moment; indeed, the pain is bearable, and he opens his eyes to look to Erik. "Magne has full access to my very being, and she wants to hear anything I'll tell her in my own time. And I've held her heart in my hands tenderly when she's needed me. We value each other's trust more than all the gold in the multiverse. She loves how her strength is a source of safety and security for me, and that I don't fear her in the slightest. That part, I don't need help with. Moving forward, yes. Working out my issues regarding sex, yes. But the love and trust part... we're already in the graduate level courses."
Edited ( Even mushier lmao and also I fixed some wording) 2024-04-10 16:56 (UTC)
"That is very good. All of that. It gives me full confidence that you both are right for one another. Let me ask you, then, what do you fear will happen when you try to have sex together? What is the worst case scenario you could envision in that moment? You do not need to say it aloud to me, but I recommend you tell it to her. She cannot help prevent it if she does not know."
Neither of them need Erik's approval, but it does help to hear they're right for each other. César doesn't think he believes in soulmates, but he's so compatible with Magne that he wonders. The comfort just thinking about her brings him means he can hold that pain of revelation while answering.
"Thinking through these things is why I'm here--so it can be easier for me to tell her because I've had a sounding board for my initial thoughts and feelings." César pulls his tea bag out and sets it aside on the saucer, thinking. "There's relatively few worst case scenarios. She knows I'm inexperienced and will avoid overstimulating me. I'm just such a huge source of support and affirmation that the idea of accidentally making her dysphoric when it could be avoided makes me feel sick to my stomach. And I can't research anything here. But it feels wrong to ask her to teach me everything, even with that?"
César leans back and grabs his teaspoon to turn around in his hand as he watches it, less to avoid eye contact and more to give his brain space to think. "Honestly... it feels like sex is too high stakes to start? I'd rather take baths or showers together. Learn each other's bodies, what she calls her parts, and what feels pleasurable to each of us. Memorize her heartbeat. No expectations of getting off or anything. Just... being together, like we've always done. ... ... is that something we can do?"
Edited (Made it even more sappy) 2024-04-16 19:29 (UTC)
Erik says nothing but he holds his hand out in a welcoming gesture, prompting César to go on as he feels comfortable.
"I do understand the point you are making. But allow me to counter it for you. Though her circumstances, and yours, come with many layers of emotional challenges you have both faced, one fact is true no matter what shape a romantic relationship takes. Lovers must teach each other about their wants and need. Has she not had to ask you just as many questions? Pay you just as much care? She seems like an incredibly capable and intelligent woman to me. I believe she will be smart enough to know that any misstep you take is an honest mistake. She doesn't strike me as so fragile that she could not forgive that. No one gets it right all the time, you know. Not even me." He sighs, thinking back on the stumbles he's taken with both River and Chris. No, especially not him.
But now the sign turns into a good-natured laugh. He rushes to say, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm not laughing at you. It just strikes me as so charming that you have to ask. Of course, César. Doing those bonding activities would solve a great deal of your worries. It would give you both time to know one another and yourselves. There's no need to jump directly to sex. There's no rule that states you must in order for your love to be real. You do know that, don't you?"
César starts laughing after a moment of thought, too, and he can't hold onto the grief anymore. It slides away.
"I know, I know, but I am!" Laughing at himself. "I do know there's no rule. You see why I need a sounding board to get my thoughts out of my own head so they stop twisting around themselves? Things are often so much simpler than I tend to make them."
He looks back down at the spoon. "... Magne's an amazing woman. You're right. ... ... ..." Another soft laugh. "She's going to find the naked bonding idea cute."
"You are a chronic overthinker, yes. I can see that very clearly," Erik chuckles.
It's good to see César able to laugh at himself as such. Humor is a balm in these situations.
"Yes, I'm sure she will. I have no doubt you will both be sickeningly cute with each other the entire time, as nature intended." They're going to be just fine.
"Everyone can." César jokes. "Magne's helping me get better not overthinking other things. And I'm motivated to get better, not just for her sake but for mine. And it's a good thing Magne likes cute things, eh?"
As César chuckles at himself, he finally takes a sip of his tea, which is finally cool enough to drink. "Oh, this is excellent. And, yes, I feel better. Sometimes you just need to talk to another man about some things. ... ... ... is there anything else you can think of, that I might need to work through?"
"She does." César processes the star a moment later and then lets out a bashful, warm laugh. "... Okay, okay, you're right."
He nods along. "It does feel like a good stopping point. And this tea is just the right temperature. It'd be a shame if I forgot about it and let it become cold."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lordoftheozarks) wrote2023-06-13 08:20 pm
no subject
César does know about loose leaf tea from a high level. But he doesn't know how many leaves to put in. And it's good to see someone actually do it from start to finish.
"The temperature matters too, right?" They're skills that César has been trying to practice more, turning skills he learned to work under Black Knight and stay alive into something to support his girlfriend and others. "It's a different temperature than green, white, or mate."
no subject
"But enough about tea. We are here to discuss something more intimate than that, aren't we? Tell me where you would like to start?"
no subject
He's divorcing himself from those feelings, talking about it more seriously.
no subject
"How did they make you feel? What about it was not enjoyable? I want you to take a moment to consider your answer before you tell me."
no subject
"They were interested in my looks, not me. And... it just got too intense after a while. Too much movement, too many things going on. My body kept moving and doing things, but it wasn't... me? I completely disassociated."
no subject
"One worry we don't have is that she only likes you for your looks. It's already more than clear that she accepts you for your whole self. So, I suppose the real issue may be getting you to accept yourself in that way as well."
no subject
"Magne accepts my very soul. Even deeper than we last spoke. And I accept her in the same way." He replies, then glances up, looking a bit less guarded. "... I.. used to accept myself fully, but then... I was forced to suppress my personality and whittled away myself from overwork for eight months. Magne and my friends are helping me rediscover myself, but... I want to make sure there's no unnecessary heartache when the clothes come off. For either of us."
no subject
He sits back in his chair with a thoughtful hum, considering. This isn't the same as getting a vampire to accept himself as he is now, but it isn't that different, either.
"This will sound strange I'm sure, but have you grieved that loss of self? Have you properly mourned the fact that you had to change and lose those old pieces of yourself in order to survive. Because, the truth is, you aren't regaining what you've lost. You never will. You are building it back anew. I feel this will be much easier for you if you let go of the person you were, and the one you became, and instead focus on becoming the version of yourself you most want to be now. This is better than constantly feeling as if you must look backwards to compare yourself to your own history. Does that resonate with you?"
cw: tangential mention of suicidal idiology
By the end, César looks mildly distraught. "I-I hadn't thought of it that way. Yes, it resonates. Maybe too much." His eyes unfocus as he recalls back to everything that's happened. "... I only survived by the smallest sliver, when I didn't expect to survive at all. It would mean mourning my entire former self, because in that framework... he died entirely. It would mean I truly lost everything that mattered."
Re: cw: tangential mention of suicidal idiology
no subject
If it wasn't for his girlfriend, he'd struggle with this more. But he told her he wouldn't hide anything from her anymore. And that means he can no longer hide from himself. So he opens himself up to the idea, lets it in, and somehow finds there's already room for it in his mind. The process comes as a rush, because he had already been ready, just afraid to more.
His shoulders deflate; his heavy eyelids close his eyes; his voice chokes. "Yes."
César's expression crumples as he lets the emotions hit. "It hurts. I lost everything. I was alone in the world. But I'm not... I'm not alone anymore. I'm loved again."
And that love is the source of his strength to move forward.
no subject
no subject
César's seen the scar she thinks is ugly around her waist that signifies how she died that she's shown no one else. Magne's heard about the control collars and EVO enslavement that canceled their genocide under Black Knight's orders. He knows she's been through hell and committed crimes that put her in jail. She knows about his eccentricities and tendency to overwork.
"My heart is already fully open." Holding both love and pain simultaneously in his heart in this moment; indeed, the pain is bearable, and he opens his eyes to look to Erik. "Magne has full access to my very being, and she wants to hear anything I'll tell her in my own time. And I've held her heart in my hands tenderly when she's needed me. We value each other's trust more than all the gold in the multiverse. She loves how her strength is a source of safety and security for me, and that I don't fear her in the slightest. That part, I don't need help with. Moving forward, yes. Working out my issues regarding sex, yes. But the love and trust part... we're already in the graduate level courses."
no subject
gender dysphoria mention
"Thinking through these things is why I'm here--so it can be easier for me to tell her because I've had a sounding board for my initial thoughts and feelings." César pulls his tea bag out and sets it aside on the saucer, thinking. "There's relatively few worst case scenarios. She knows I'm inexperienced and will avoid overstimulating me. I'm just such a huge source of support and affirmation that the idea of accidentally making her dysphoric when it could be avoided makes me feel sick to my stomach. And I can't research anything here. But it feels wrong to ask her to teach me everything, even with that?"
César leans back and grabs his teaspoon to turn around in his hand as he watches it, less to avoid eye contact and more to give his brain space to think. "Honestly... it feels like sex is too high stakes to start? I'd rather take baths or showers together. Learn each other's bodies, what she calls her parts, and what feels pleasurable to each of us. Memorize her heartbeat. No expectations of getting off or anything. Just... being together, like we've always done. ... ... is that something we can do?"
Re: gender dysphoria mention
"I do understand the point you are making. But allow me to counter it for you. Though her circumstances, and yours, come with many layers of emotional challenges you have both faced, one fact is true no matter what shape a romantic relationship takes. Lovers must teach each other about their wants and need. Has she not had to ask you just as many questions? Pay you just as much care? She seems like an incredibly capable and intelligent woman to me. I believe she will be smart enough to know that any misstep you take is an honest mistake. She doesn't strike me as so fragile that she could not forgive that. No one gets it right all the time, you know. Not even me." He sighs, thinking back on the stumbles he's taken with both River and Chris. No, especially not him.
But now the sign turns into a good-natured laugh. He rushes to say, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm not laughing at you. It just strikes me as so charming that you have to ask. Of course, César. Doing those bonding activities would solve a great deal of your worries. It would give you both time to know one another and yourselves. There's no need to jump directly to sex. There's no rule that states you must in order for your love to be real. You do know that, don't you?"
no subject
"I know, I know, but I am!" Laughing at himself. "I do know there's no rule. You see why I need a sounding board to get my thoughts out of my own head so they stop twisting around themselves? Things are often so much simpler than I tend to make them."
He looks back down at the spoon. "... Magne's an amazing woman. You're right. ... ... ..." Another soft laugh. "She's going to find the naked bonding idea cute."
no subject
It's good to see César able to laugh at himself as such. Humor is a balm in these situations.
"Yes, I'm sure she will. I have no doubt you will both be sickeningly cute with each other the entire time, as nature intended." They're going to be just fine.
"Are you feeling better?"
no subject
As César chuckles at himself, he finally takes a sip of his tea, which is finally cool enough to drink. "Oh, this is excellent. And, yes, I feel better. Sometimes you just need to talk to another man about some things. ... ... ... is there anything else you can think of, that I might need to work through?"
Looks like a good place to wrap
"I think we've covered a lot of ground already. Any more and it may become too difficult to process." He's given you plenty to overthink about.
"I suggest that you sit and finish your tea while we chat about something lighter as a palate cleanser."
Yes, a good wrapping spot!
He nods along. "It does feel like a good stopping point. And this tea is just the right temperature. It'd be a shame if I forgot about it and let it become cold."